One day I awoke feeling especially reminiscent, my new born baby was out of the woods and I was really missing her grandmother. My mom had passed several years earlier and never met my daughter. It was the anniversary of her passing and I need to reach out to someone for the maternal love I was missing and wanted my child to have the love of a 'grandma' figure. My siblings were spread out in the nation and my father had withdrawn into his own grief . So, I decided to call, Faye, a woman who had been bestie's with my mom for all of my life. I phoned her and we made plans to stay for the upcoming weekend. She said that we were welcome for the Holiday & her kids and neighbors were coming also....and it would be exciting.
My week flew by, I was so thrilled to show off my child to the one person I was sure would understand my hunger for love and acceptance, my need for a safe haven and entrusted matriarch..
The day arrived and brought winter sludge, but I was still like 'Yea!' We dressed and set off for the trip, the hour flew by and I saw the warm glow our destination, Twin Lakes.
Easily pulled from fond memories, recall led me along the narrow the twists and hidden entrance to the homes driveway
I unpacked the car and bundled my parcel and skip-walked to the front door. I was greeted by all of Faye's grown children and their kids as well. I was enveloped in circles for a few minutes spun by hugs from the house. The warm feeling a family can bring is like no other. Faye was in the kitchen and welcomed me with her own bear hug, offered me a soda and motioned for me to sit at the counter stool.
It was a noisy busy room with people speaking to one another from each point of the great room. "How is your brother?", " Do you still play with Barbies?" "NO! Those are for dinner!. Just idle chit chat until...matriarch Faye states to me " You know I knew things about your mom". The room grew silent, not even one of the 30 people assembled even had a sniffle or cough. I nervously giggled "Of course, you were her best friend for many years. I am sure you knew things about her that I would have no clue." She became louder in her speech and said "No, I know things about you". "I am sure," I stammered in embarrassment of what secret she may divulge about teem angst " you probably know everything I did".
I looked around the huge room at all the faces, most had already turned their eyes to the floor. Faye became even more dramatic in her stance and curiously asked " Who do you think is your father? I have fought with those parents of yours for all these years and I think you need to know" I am 32 years old what in the heck did she mean? A whispered "Excuse me?" was all I could say. She had no intention on an answer it was a rhetorical win-up for the next blow she would throw. "Your mom cheated, it was a huge issue in the community it caused a transfer for all involved." She then proceeded to disclose every sordid detail of my mother's flaws and how fantastic she was as a best friend taking her to failed abortion attempt after another (pre roe v. wade days). Apparently I am one determined person and have been since fetus? Faye had no issue venting my mother's dirty laundry in front of 30 sorted people... after passing, what kind of friend could she have been ever?
I struggled to breathe for what seemed like forever, I got the whole tunnel vision and was certain I was going to pass out in this woman's house and be at her mercy. I kept a visual track on my baby as she was passed from lap to lap of gape mouthed listeners, I stood and found her bottle and brought her to my arms. I was given a comfy seat by a kind person that offered an awkward look toward Faye, a smile and a shrug. I honestly was not prepared for Faye's itenerary Thoughts began to fly through my head "Is she kidding? Is she right? Why would she tell me like this? WTF?, why didn't my parents tell me? OMG,OMG,OMG! Oh crap breathe. Who am I?"
Faye came, pulled a chair up and sat face to face with me. I asked "Did you know the man who is my biological father?" Faye spouted many, many more facts and didn't attempt to be objective in her detail. She had issue with his race and rank and informed me that I have over a dozen half siblings in the world, not just the four I was presently identifying as now my "half brothers and sister". She continued her discussion with me, sure to enlighten me of popular opinion of the time and family issues that have resulted since. The room became anxious and people began to shift, no one interrupted Faye. Nobody said a word, they all listened like it was "The Night Before Christmas" being read aloud. I fed my child and tried to process. I couldn't. I wasn't being given solace, just information. Faye spewed like a firehose, she couldn't lighten herself with words fast enough. Why is she so animated and forthgiving in such damaging fact?
I had arrived only one hour before a 'whole' person needing a hug. At this point I am void of identity or roots, I can not think, I can not speak, I can not stay in such (what feels like) such an un- loving I stand and say short goodbye's grab my things and pack myself and cling to my tiny child. "I thought you were staying through the weekend with us?" "Why are you leaving we haven't eaten yet?" " Mom is just like that she just says things." Numbers and email addresses were stuffed into the diaper bag as we trotted out the door towards the car.
In the privacy of my car, on a farm road in BFE... I lost it. I exploded with confusion and drove home through rain and tears. I just kept asking my self "Really? Am I dreaming is this happening ? Who in the world am I? How did my parents deal with this so well? How in the heck did I not EVER find out?"
